Cold Water Cleaning

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV the old man shouted ...



The CEO of a Vacuum Cleaner company was impatient with the poor job his salespeople were doing, so one day he decided to do the job himself.

"After all!" he thought. "I AM the CEO!"

He pulled up to a very old house in his Mercedes Benz and knocked on the door. A little old barefoot man wearing overalls answered the knock on the door, only to be confronted by the very well dressed and dignified CEO in a $2,000 navy blue pin-striped business suit, a Hermes silk tie, a starched white shirt with monogrammed cufflinks, $700 shoes polished like black mirrors, and carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the impeccably groomed CEO. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Get lost, Mister fancy suit!" said the old man. "I haven't got any money" and he proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the CEO wedged his perfectly polished shoe in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

The old man again told him to get lost. And with that, the CEO emptied a bucket of mud all over his hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this mess from your carpet, sir, I will personally eat the remainder. I am the CEO! You have my GUARANTEE!"

"I got a better idea" said the old man, "If you don't clean it all up, I'll swap those fancy clothes of yours fer my overalls. Your nice suit, your tie, your shoes, everything!"

"Fine, sir!" said the CEO confidently, with a condescending smile. "I'll give you my clothes!"

"Lemme ask you somethin', pal...Where are you goin' when you leave here?"

The CEO answered very confidently: "To a VERY important conference! WHY?"

"Will they let you in if yer barefoot?" said the old man.

"Of course not!" said the CEO.

"How much did you pay for those socks you'v got on?" asked the old man.

"Thirty dollars" said the bewildered CEO. "Why?"

"I ain't never worn thirty dollar socks before!" said the old man. "It will be kinda hard for you to wear overalls to work, I guess!" said the old man.

"WHAT?!" said the confused CEO.

"And will you show how me to tie a necktie?" said the old man...

One hour later, the door of the apartment opened, and the CEO carefully looked out. Seeing that no one was around, his foot appeared.

A bare foot.

He stepped out into the hallway - dressed now only in overalls and bare feet. His expensive executive suit and tie had vanished, along with his confidence and dignity.

The old man watched him run away to his car with a grin, admiring the expensive pinstriped suit and silk tie he had just acquired. He then sat down and pulled on the CEO's thirty dollar socks and gleaming shoes.

"Now I gotta see about payin' that electric bill..."

Boss-to-English Translator:

Do you ever feel a trip to your boss's office is like a trip to a foreign country? Nice view, but no speaka dee English? In order to ensure that none of the buck passing, put- downing, or one- upping is lost in translation, make sure to bring along this cheat sheet so you know what the big enchilada is really trying to say.

'Great job on the report!'
Translation: 'I'm taking credit for your work.'

'I have to attend an off-site meeting.'
Translation: 'I'm having an affair.'

'Let me give you some broadstroke ideas and you can fill in the rest.'
Translation: 'I still haven't learned how to create an Excel document.'

'Headquarters has assured me we will not be affected by the merger.'
Translation: 'You are going to be fired.'

'I'm not sure if what you are suggesting is in alignment with our core competencies.'
Translation: 'What exactly do we do again?'

'This office is a family and my door is always open if you ever need to powwow with Papa Bear.'
Translation: 'I am a tool.'

'I'll be out of the office for a couple hours with senior management, but you can reach me on my mobile.'
Translation: 'I'm playing golf.'

'I'll be off-site and unreachable for the rest of the afternoon.'
Translation: 'I'm playing golf and I expect to be very, very drunk.'

'I think we should order in some lunch for the team.'
Translation: 'None of you are getting a raise. Enjoy your pizza.'

'I don't want to have to micromanage this whole operation!'
Translation:'I'm the boss because I made good business contacts at my Ivy League university; I don't know how to actually do things.'

'This came down from up top.'
Translation: 'I have no real power.'

'I can't give you an answer at this moment. Let me survey the situation and see what we can leverage out of it.'
Translation: 'Oh God, I wish I was still in sales!'

'It's good to see you take such bold initiative!'
Translation: 'You are a threat to me. You will be fired the next time we so much as run out of coffee.'

'I'll think about it.'
Translation: 'I'll tell you no in an e-mail, long after I've left the office.'

'Did you finish those projections I asked you about on Friday?'
Translation:'I completely forgot to ask you about the projections on Friday, andI'm hoping your memory is even worse than mine.'

'This is a very sensitive issue.'
Translation: 'I may need you to shred some documents.'

'Let's push the boundaries on this one. We need something really innovative! Throw out the conventions, I want something edgy!'
Translation: 'Present only safe, traditional ideas to me. I wouldn't know what to do with innovation if my life depended on it.'

'We're going to be pulling some long hours and I'll be right here with the rest of you.'
Translation: 'My home life is miserable.'

'I hate to be the bearer of bad news.'
Translation: 'Disappointing you is the only pleasure I have left in my dead-end, crappy job.'


What Channel do landscapers watch?

Ans: Lawn and Order